Back in the day, I genuinely believed that losing weight was all about the food that you ate. And making sure you were in calorie deficit.
Wow. How wrong can you be!
As time went on, I learned more about humans, more about myself and I got to work with hundreds of women.
What I know now is that overeating is merely a symptom of something much, much deeper.
I missed the point with my own struggles, as I kept trying to restrict myself, following diet after diet. Every new failed attempt shocked me – another dent in my self-esteem.
I’d been focusing on the symptom of my overeating, rather than the cause.
It’s no coincidence that each time in my life I have struggled with my identity and self-worth, that’s also when I’ve struggled most with over-eating and putting on weight.
Maybe you’re the same? If so, then keep reading – because in this blog you’ll get 5 simple strategies to start improving your self-worth right now.
I’ve said millions of times that losing weight doesn’t start in the gym. It doesn’t even start in the kitchen – it starts in your MIND.
And when I work with amazing women who are struggling to lose weight, more often than not they’re experiencing a lack of self-worth. Some people realise this (but many more don’t).
The ironic thing about a lack of self-worth is that it often leads to an over-reliance on external comforts, like food and alcohol. Which leads to weight gain, which then lowers our self-worth either further. All in a society where we are told that WE are the problem, that we are flawed and we need to change!
So what IS self-worth?
At a very basic level, self-worth is about liking yourself.
And YOU are the only person who can influence your self-worth.
It’s about having a favorable opinion of yourself and having faith in your own ability. Accepting yourself despite your normal human limitations, your body size, how you look, what other people think of you and your flaws (and yes – we ALL have them!).
When you have strong self-worth, whatever happens in your life (whether good or bad) does not shake how you feel about yourself. Other people cannot define you.
So many of us attach self-worth to our accomplishments – our exam results, the latest qualification, our career, the size of our bank balance, the possessions we own. Even the achievements of people who are attached to us, like our children, partner or husband.
But the problem with this is they are ALL external factors. They can all be influenced by things beyond our control and they can be taken away at any moment.
True self-worth is an inside job.
My self-worth struggle when my twins came along…
My life changed completely in May 2013, when my twins arrived in the world.
I was doing literally the worthiest job there is, becoming a mother and raising my children. But my self-worth hit at an all-time low.
I cared for the babies without family support, spending my days alone at home (until my husband joined the chaos in the evening).
Every day, I went out – but only to drive the twins to our local Starbucks Drive Thru, while they napped in the back seat. It was the most blissful 30 minutes of the whole day.
I had zero confidence in my ability as a mother.
The twins seemed to cry a lot (but I had no idea if this was normal). They didn’t sleep well (or maybe they did, but again I didn’t know what was normal). They didn’t put on weight as quickly as I was told they should (was I producing enough milk and was this why they cried so much?).
Was I missing the secret mother’s intuition gene that we women are supposed to have?
I literally didn’t know my place in the world anymore. And being 13kg over my usual pre-baby weight was something I reallystruggled with. I started to withdraw and had to force myself to see my friends at all.
Don’t get me wrong – I knew I was so lucky to finally have my babies (which oddly, made me feel even worse). And I did my best in my new role as a mother.
But what would I do now for me as Fran – not as ‘mummy’? Could I go back to my career as a personal trainer?
I didn’t feel I could. Because I was struggling to lose the baby weight, which made me feel like a complete fraud.
Would I work part-time? Could I even manage that? Being a working mother sounded like hard work but being a stay at home mother seemed like even harder work. I needed to earn some money – but how?
And would I everlose the baby weight? Certainly not with the vast amount of food I shoveled into my mouth each day. Partly from sleep deprivation, partly panic, partly boredom and a million other emotions. I got very busy eating all the uncomfortable feelings and trying to find my worthiness.
My poor sleep-deprived, post-partum brain didn’t know where to turn. And looking back now, I can see there was a BIG struggle with identity & self-worth going on. Now, I know I wasn’t alone in that struggle and so many of us feel that way (especially when we’re thrown into the role of ‘new mum’).
Such a huge part of that lack of self-worth for me was the way I looked.
Because I hadn’t lost the baby weight, I felt so self-conscious of my body. I hated the way I looked in my clothes (let alone out of them). And I was embarrassed that as a health and fitness professional, I couldn’t make myself shrink back into my pre-baby wardrobe.
I didn’t need a juice cleanse to make me feel even worse, deprive me of food and ultimately leave me feeling like a failure when the weight went straight back on. I didn’t need to cut my calories to 1200 a day, obsess over food and then end up with my head in the fridge, eating entire blocks of cheese.
I needed love, support and human connection. I needed to refocus on what my new life looked like & how to look after my own mental health, in my new reality.
In the interest of clarity, it wasn’t until the twins were well into toddlerhood that I realised this was all happening.
And if this resonates with you at all, then these are the steps I took and continue to take. I truly hope they help you as they helped me. They are also part of the nutrition coaching process I’ve developed and guide my clients through.
5 Steps to Reconnect with YOUR Internal Self-Worth
- Practice accepting yourself – exactly as you are
As women, as mothers and as humans, we are told over & over that we need to change.
That we need to get into our pre-pregnancy clothes. That we need to look more attractive, pay attention to our wrinkles, be better parents, be better at our jobs, be better wives, be better daughters, be more mindful. The list could literally go on forever.
We are bombarded by these messages all day long. We scroll through Facebook, turn on the TV and walk into shops with aisles full of products to ‘fix’ us. It’s relentless.
So the first step to real internal self-worth is to accept yourself exactly as you are right now.
It’s completely normal to feel resistance. This doesn’t need to mean that you won’t improve yourself. BUT any changes need to come from a place of love and self-acceptance, rather than self-loathing or punishment.
If affirmations are your thing, then I like this one:
‘I am worthy, I am capable, I love myself completely’
Let go of what needs to change & forgive yourself for everything in the past. You are human, you have human flaws and this is completely normal.
- Connect to supportive people
We all need genuine human connection. Part of having low self-worth can often mean withdrawing from other people (I certainly did). But human connection is essentialfor your physical & mental health and strength.
It’s a key psychological need. Our Neanderthal ancestors needed connection to survive – and so do we.
When we lack human connection, we try to fill that void with other addictions (like food, alcohol or even drugs). If you want to dig deeper into this, I highly recommend Googling Johann Hari ‘The opposite of addiction is connection.’
Call a friend. Find out what’s going on with them & share what’s going on with you.
Or put your phone down right now and connect with your husband.
Have dedicated time every day when you connect with others in ANY way that works for you.
This helps us get in touch with humanity and our sense of self-worth.
- Set new boundaries
Are you a people pleaser? As children (and especially as little girls), we’re often taught to put the needs of others before ourselves. We’re taught that giving is more desirable and more worthy than taking.
And while this is understandable on one level, when we carry it forward into our adult lives, we often compromise our own values, needs and priorities to please others.
If this sounds like you, then next time you’re about to volunteer to organise the school quiz night or something else that you have little real interest in – just pause. Take a moment. And ask yourself what is the cost?
Would this add more stress to your already busy schedule? Would it take time away from your children? Would it affect other personal relationships – perhaps with your husband, partner or friends – who you won’t be able to spend as much time with? Would it make you feel put-upon or even resentful?
Setting new boundaries can feel tough. Especially if you’re in the habit of saying yes, being the go-to person to help or always being there to solve other people’s problems.
It’s not necessarily about stopping those things – and not if they genuinely bring you joy – but just taking a moment to consider your own needs first. Asking yourself what you really want. And then adjusting your boundaries, to protect your own energy and prioritise those things that matter most in YOUR life.
- Does social media make you feel good?
How do you feel when you look at social media?
When you scroll through Facebook or Instagram, we all inevitably compare our life & body to others (consciously or otherwise). We allow other people’s lives & feelings into our own minds, both good and bad.
Do you feel inspired, uplifted and more connected?
Or do you feel negative, not enough or just a bit empty?
Social media can be a brilliant thing (especially for those us living away from friends & family, like here in Dubai). But endless scrolling can also become a mindless habit.
So if it doesn’t make you feel good…why are you doing it all the time? How would it feel to just stop?
Maybe it’s about unfollowing all those people who don’t make you feel good. Curating your feeds, so you see more positive stuff. Facebook’s ‘Friend Lists’ are great for this – like mini news feeds, where you can choose only the people you really want to see and hear from.
Maybe it’s about taking a social media break (even if just for 24 hours) – or getting off certain platforms altogether.
Either way, you get to CHOOSE. I know it’s not always an easy habit to change. But you get to decide what content you consume & for how long.
- Own it!
In going through this process, my hope is that you truly believe that YOU have control over your thoughts and feelings. You have the power to influence the events and circumstances in your life.
In my programs, I help the amazing women I work with to identify their own strengths. I help them to accept themselves and realise this is possible.
You can accept yourself as you are and still want to improve.
I help my clients practice self-acceptance and self-love. I help them realise the importance of human connection and support – and to build habits that create self-worth and faith in their own abilities.
It’s an inside job and I can’t do the work for you. But I can ask you the right questions and point focus towards the things that really DO make all the difference.
Like anything in life, prioritising your self-worth takes practice and you won’t transform everything overnight. Just start. Pick one thing, practice it today and start pushing yourself in the right direction with your self-worth.
And to surround yourself with other amazing women who ‘get’ this, do come & join our (free) Facebook group, Healthy Life ME – The Weight Loss Tribe.
We’d really love for you to join us there!
Fran