This isn’t a blog about how mean my sister is. She’s the best. And she came to surprise me in Dubai for my 40th birthday last week.
But it IS a blog about how society likes to cast women into a ‘caring’ role. So often, we’re made to feel guilty when we do something that doesn’t directly benefit our kids & others around us. And it needs to stop.
Back to my birthday (which is how this all started!). We had a fantastic time, did some speed sightseeing & went for dinner at a burger place I knew my niece would love.
The conversation turned to my qualities and traits, and the traits we all share in our family (you know, the kind of rubbish you talk when families get together).
At which point it was decided that I could be described as SELFISH.
Ouch.
But to my surprise, it turns out I completely agree. And not only I am proud of being selfish, I am owningit!
Like I mentioned at the start of this blog, society tells women we should be selfless. We are cast in a caring role, which many of us are happy to take. But so often, we feel guilty or are made to feel that we’re being selfish when we make a decision or do something that doesn’t directly benefit our children & those around us.
We like to take care of others & this often means we put ourselves to the bottom of the priority list.
We make sure everyone else’s needs are taken care of before our own. And so many of us worry about what others will think, if we dare to put our own needs above others.
Women feel guilty for putting their own needs first in a way that men just don’t seem to. I’ve yet to meet a man who felt guilty for going to work and leaving the kids home. He would never feel guilty about going to get a haircut when he could be playing with his children (to be clear, this is not to denigrate men in any way – quite the opposite).
I am a loving and caring person. I do pride myself on taking care of others. But during my nearly 6 years as a mother (to twins), I’ve learned to prioritise myself sometimes. Even when I’ve had to force myself to do it.
But I know it’s not easy. So here’s what I’ve learnt – my 5 tips to prioritise YOUR needs & live a healthier life.
- #1. Exercise as a priority (not a luxury).
I needed to put my needs first on this one. And for me, this started one small step at a time.
Prioritising exercise was a first for me. It’s SO easy to feel that there is no way you could ever have time to exercise (especially when you have newborns at home). But my mental health needed it, so it found it’s way into my life. And became a priority.
Believe me when I say I didn’t feel motivated to exercise after the birth of the twins! Not least because there was always something else to do. But you can’t wait for the motivation – and in this case, the action definitely came first.
- #2. You deserve good food too.
It wasn’t until my kids were 2 that I realized that I deserved to eat the excellent food I bought and prepared for them. So that’s what I did.
It’s a tiny mental shift, but such a powerful one. The crashing realisation that I deserved to eat the bloody blueberries too!
As mothers, so many of us spend time lovingly preparing healthy food for our kids. And then grab a pizza or a couple of slices of toast for ourselves. And then eat it standing up at the kitchen worktop.
If we can meal plan, prepare lunch boxes and keep to a feeding schedule for our kids, why can’t we do it for ourselves?! Probably because we are tired and stressed!
I know. Truly, I get it. But we CAN take small steps towards making it easier for ourselves.
I started by making sure I was cooking ONE meal an evening. One single meal that everyone would enjoy and get health benefits from (instead of trying to prepare multiple meals to keep everyone else happy except me).
- #3. Protect your precious time.
As a mum of twins with a full-time job, life is hectic. And your time is SO precious.
That includes socialising. I don’t say yes to every social occasion like I used to (which does make me a little sad, as having fun is such a big priority for me).
And yes, this means that when I DO socialise, I can appear a little selfish. Because I make sure it’s with the people I really want to spend time with, doing something I actually want to do.
The great thing about this is that every time I go out, it’s amazing because I’m surrounded by the people I truly WANT to be with.
- #4. Tiredness leads to brain fog.
Tiredness neverhelps us prioritize ourselves. You just can’t see past the brain fog.
But it’s a vicious circle because if you don’t prioritise yourself, you just end up more & more tired and feeling SO much worse.
So, when my children were tiny, I had visitors who came & cared for them, while I went to bed and left them to it.
Having a soak in the bath, going for a nap or doing anything else you fancy while someone else cares for the children (or tidies the kitchen, or whatever) is NOT selfish. It’s simply looking after yourself, so you can be the best version of yourself that you can be.
- #5. Automate date night.
Having tiny humans is a tough gig. Having newborn twins is a bit like a tornado ripping through your life.
It is SO easy to neglect your own relationships, so early on we automated date night. We go out on the first Tuesday of every month (as a minimum).
It keeps us strong, together & sane.
- Bonus Tip #6… Just. Say. No.
I often say no to things, to protect my time (definitely not perfect though – still working on this one!).
I don’t participate in the school council. I don’t make cakes for the bake sale and I am not the class mum.
Sometimes these things are hard to say no to. Like at the beginning of this academic year, I was asked to be the class mum for both classes. But I KNEW that there was no way I could work full time on my business and take care of the kids if I added this responsibility into my life.
Ultimately, what other people may see as ‘selfish’ is actually vital. And I deeply believe that more women should bump themselves up the priority list, to protect their own well-being and to set an example for the next generation.
I don’t have it all figured out, by the way. Far from it. But I try, and when I see something isn’t working, I try to change it.
Like with anything, prioritising yourself takes practice & you won’t transform everything overnight. But just taking 5 minutes for yourself – to do what YOU want to do – could be a great start.
I know this week’s blog isn’t strictly about health & fitness, but it’s all so deeply tied together.
And to surround yourself with amazing other women who ‘get’ this, do come & join our (free) Facebook group, Healthy Life ME – The Weight Loss Tribe.
We’d really love for you to join us!
Fran x